I'll take an order of Love with a side of staying Present!!

May 19th 2010

I found today to be one of the most challenging days since my return to the slums of PA. I'm sure it's a combination of the continuous grey, cold, wet weather, the argument with my father, or all the preparation to start work on The Resort.

I got to work early, passed my drug test, and then went to see an old friend. This was the most refreshing part of the day. She looked great, we laughed together like old times, and it was exciting to see her. However, she is working in a different area than before, so I will most likely not see her as much as I did when I worked here in my younger days!

We had guest speakers today, all of which knew me. By the end of the day, it was routine for someone to get up, look at me, and say "OH MY!" "HEY.. WELCOME BACK!!" I can appreciate the love, but there is something that is making me feel rather "shy". Still not quite sure yet. I'm finding it difficult to live in the present today, and to just enjoy being "on property" I did make friendly with the other associates. Showing them around during the tour, answering questions, and being a guide. I am the only "re-hire" of the group.

After the tour, lunch, and the final guest speaker.. we get to head over to the our destination outlet. ( The place where will be working) There are 3 hotels on property. I'm fortunate to be working in not only one of the best restaurants and the nicest hotels on property.. but in the country as well.

I drive the few other associates over to the other hotel, showing them some of the many 2000 acre property. We all then got fitted for our uniforms. I stood in the locker room, staring at myself in the mirror. Looking at myself in the uniform... it's still hard to believe I was standing here, wearing these clothes again. I thought the same thing walking through the dining room. So many memories flashed through my head. I got my schedule before I left. I start training on the floor this week. Must stay confident, and present!

When I got home I was able to talk with my dad for a minute when my sister and nephew showed up. We were all enjoying a little food that my dad made when he says " did you notice what I did for you in the bathroom?" Instead of answering kindly, I had defenses build up. My whole life my dad would "do things for us" and them hold them over our heads. So the second he says "what I did for you"... my first thought is... "well I didn't ask him TO DO SHIT"... so... I say.. in a very calm tone ... "well, you did it for yourself really"... meaning that, (you made space/arranged the cabinets and drawers.. only because YOU didn't like that they were cluttered... Not "to do it for me") This is exactly what I think right away... which probably wasn't the best response. I could have easily said "no.. I didn't notice: :-).. or "yes, thank you for making space".. but instead.... I chose to think my dad didn't like the clutter I made, so he cleaned it up. So when responded with that.. my overly sensitive father does not take that well.... and he FLIPS OUT! "YOU TWIST MY WORDS" "YOU'RE A LIAR, LIAR, LIAR, LIAR, LIAR, LIAR, LIAR," "YOU DON"T LISTEN!"......"I CAN'T TAKE IT.. I CAN'T TAKE THIS!! OH GOD!"..... I am not one to scream.. I sit there and calmly listen. Afterwards I apologize. However, seeing this causes me to struggle with the idea of staying here for a few days, let a lone months.

I have issues with wanting to respond with love. I need to respond with love and live in the present. Always. I think it's funny that I working at a job where I need to be overly hospitable and living with a person who is overly sensitive..... and I am struggling with patience and love. Two of the most important things that come with those topics.

This is what I have resorted to

~KMS